Your text lists four common challenges children face as they enter into a new family system

Question

Name and explain any three.

What will be an ideal response?

Answer 1

- Loss of Power and Control:
Children lose more than a parent when their nuclear family dissolves; because they have no choice in how the events unfold, they frequently feel a loss of power and control. This sense of powerlessness can be overwhelming for a child. To help children heal, it is imperative that they be given control over some aspect of their new life. For example, when children are allowed to make small decisions such as how to spend their allowance or about devising new stepfamily rules, this contributes to their feelings of control and minimizes their feelings of helplessness.

- Guilt:
Children often blame themselves for their parents' divorce. They may believe that they were "bad" or "naughty" and that their behavior drove the other parent away; they may believe that they are too "unlovable" or that they are too "expensive" for the parent to care for them. In the case of a deceased parent, they may have "wished" their parent was dead at some point in time. These feelings of guilt, self-blame, and unworthiness can lead to a child's acting out, rebelling against the new stepparent, or withdrawing from family and friends. It is crucial that parents engage in honest communication with their children throughout the many processes of divorce and convey to the children that divorce or death is never the fault of the child. It is also of the utmost importance that parents assure their children that their parents love them under any circumstances.

- Loyalty Conflicts:
Losing a parent, whether through death or divorce, is particularly difficult for children because of the strong emotional attachment they have to their biological parents. As mentioned earlier, when a parent remarries, children often feel that if they become close to the new stepparent or if they "love" the stepparent, they are unfaithful and disloyal to their biological parent-they feel they have betrayed that parent. If divorced parents continue arguing in front of their children or use the children as pawns in the divorce process, this heightens these loyalty struggles. Thus, the rejection of a new stepparent or a new home may be more a reflection of their fear of abandoning their biological parent rather than dislike for the stepparent. It is vital that both parents and stepparents assure (again and again!) the children that it is possible to love many people at the same time and that having a relationship with a stepparent in no way means that they love their biological parent any less.

- Anger:
As discussed earlier, it is normal for children to feel angry toward their parents following divorce and during the formation of a stepfamily. The anger may be due to the sense of powerlessness and lack of control they have in the situation, and it may be directed toward a parent who visits infrequently or fails to follow through on promises.

The anger may also be a response to a move from the family home, neighborhood, or school. Some children respond with anger in having to "share" their biological parent with new stepsiblings; and sometimes these angry feelings are manifested internally, causing anxiety and stress; other times the anger is manifested externally, in angry, acting out behaviors. Regardless of the manifestation of the child's anger, it is essential that parents and stepparents reassure the children that it is normal to feel angry, that is okay to feel everything, whatever they have been feeling.