Your next-door neighbor tells you she is getting divorced and is planning to remarry as soon as the divorce is final. She has two teenagers, a son and a daughter, and is worried about how they are going to deal with the divorce and her remarriage. She wants to make the transition as easy as possible for them and asks your advice on how to do that. What should you tell her to expect, and what advice can you offer on making a smooth transition?

Question

What will be an ideal response?

Answer 1

You should point out to her that this will, indeed, be an adjustment for everyone, especially for her children, and that some distress may be normal, especially right around the time of the divorce. For example, your neighbor may see changes in her children's school achievement, behavior problems, and psychosocial adjustment. However, she should keep in mind that the impact of divorce itself is relatively small. The quality of the relationships her children have with both of their parents is what matters the most. In addition, the adverse consequences of divorce are usually due to factors like exposure to marital conflict, disorganized or disrupted parenting, and increased stress in the household. Bearing all of this in mind, you should advise your neighbor that the way to keep her children's problem behaviors to a minimum is for her and her soon-to-be-ex-husband to resolve their differences and avoid exposing their children to their conflict.

With regard to remarriage, you should warn your neighbor that her daughter is more likely than her son to have difficulty adjusting. The best chance for success will be if the stepfather can establish a consistent, supportive, authoritative style of discipline and if she encourages a positive relationship between her children and their father and attempts to have him use an authoritative parenting style as well. 

Key Points:

a) Children whose parents divorce are at an increased risk of experiencing emotional and behavioral problems.

b) Children's problems may be greatly reduced if parents avoid hostility and conflict and do not involve the children in the parents' marital problems.

c) With remarriage, boys adjust better than girls.

d) Adolescents in remarried households do better when the stepparent uses an authoritative parenting style.

e) A positive relationship with the noncustodial parent helps children adjust to remarriage, as does consistency in discipline between the custodial and noncustodial parent.